bottombitch | IC Contact @ Riverview

[ It's because Aoba hasn't figured out what he wants, who he is and a lot of other blurry things surrounding how he feels. Aoba blinks at him. ]

More love?

[ Leaning his head to the side, he taps his chin with a finger and asks plainly, because he's learning that he kind of has to when it comes to Karamatsu. ]

What does that mean to you, exactly? [ He's curious (and a little cautious, maybe). ]

W-Well, ah.. I suppose before you can see how beautiful a flower is.. you have to water it first! So, we are watering each other.. to see if we will like the color and smell of the flower in the end.
_{[ not the answer Aoba was looking for, but thankfully Karamatsu follows up with something else: ]}

Hanging out.. with the intent of future compatibility. Oh, but that is pretty much dating, isn't it? I do not know how you feel in regards to that.. if you want to date other people but..
_{[ He exhales a sigh-- nothing discontented but also nothing dreamy either. He just seems very happy at the thought as he tears his gaze away from Aoba and looks at the wall of the hotel. ]}

.. I just want to date you.
_{[ There's nobody here anymore that he is interested in since he confirmed the feelings he harbors for his soul mate. ]}

[ That watering flowers analogy is lost on him, he just ends up imagining them both as flower-decorated watering cans and that's such a bizarre mental image that he just kinda shorts out there. Thankfully, he explains further and so Aoba listens intently.

...

And then he feels guilty. He wants to be close to Karamatsu and explore his obviously, undeniably romantic feelings for him, but he also doesn't want to rush into a relationship. It's like he's treading dangerously deep waters with only some knowledge of how to keep his head above water. ]

[ Aoba reaches out and slips his arms around Karamatsu's waist, hugging him from behind and burying his face in his jacket. He wants him to know he cares, but otherwise... he doesn't know what he's doing at all. ]

I miss you when you're not around. [ Somehow it's a little easier to let loose his tongue when he's not facing him, when he doesn't have to show him his face... but especially when Karamatsu has his back turned towards him. It makes him feel a little desperate. ]

When I think about you or see you, sometimes my heart does funny things and I can't control my breathing.

Sometimes, I want to hold your hand or touch you like this with no reason except... because I'm selfish, I guess.

_{[ Woah, those are some words Aoba just gave him right then and there. He's certain nobody has ever said that to him and for the longest time he believed nobody would ever say those things to him. With Aoba hugging him like this, he can probably feel Karamatsu's heart racing. ]}

O-oh.
_{[ He's.. really just speechless. His voice is small, almost like he is hesitant to talk because he is making sure he heard that right. ]}

I do not think.. it is selfish.. but maybe— it's a good thing. Maybe it's— you know..
_{[ Oh my god he can't be confident right now. He places both of his hands on Aoba's hands that are holding him and gives him two tight squeezes. ]}

[ Aoba blushes against his shoulder, hiding his face out of embarrassment. Under his fingers, he can feel a drumming under his skin. His heart is beating fast, just like his... and Karamatsu can't even finish a sentence right.

It's so unfair. He's being so unfair. He clutches at him and muffles his voice against his jacket, shaking his head. ]

Is it?!

I really like you, but I don't know what I'm doing.

D—Does it.. really seem like I have an idea of what I'm doing to you?
_{[ Wow, he impressed himself. ]}

Aoba-kun, can I tell you something? It has to do with who you are.. and with somebody else I knew back home.

[ Aoba feels so vulnerable after admitting what he did, he ends up clinging around him like he's afraid he'll turn around and see him laid bare. It's a foolish and childish thought, but he isn't thinking clearly and hasn't felt like he's been able to in weeks.

Peeking out from the fabric of his jacket, Aoba looks at him from over his shoulder, his mouth still muffled. ]

...You can tell me anything, Kara-kun.

_{[ He turns around and links his hands with Aoba's, holding his hands properly again. He exhales a breath. ]}

Back home, there was somebody that I dated. It was for the wrong reasons, but I continued to stay with her no matter how much she yelled at me or demanded things from me. If she wanted ice cream, I'd leave right then and get it for her. If she was mad about something, I let her take it out on me. I never left her because I didn't want her to be alone. Uh.. things kind of went fast until she insisted that she wanted to marry me.. I finally said no and ran from her.

She was a selfish person, but you— well..

I think you're a beautiful person.

[ Aoba lifts his chin, looking into Karamatsu's eyes as he holds him -- he's actually shorter than he is, so he ends up staring down into them when their fingers interlace. He listens to his story. That sounds like the worst, being stuck in this relationship out of pity, clinging to something pathetic because you felt sorry for them.

He can't help but turn that story inwards. He knows Noiz wondered if he felt sorry for him because he couldn't feel. It's a painful memory, like the one Karamatsu recalls and yet after it's telling Aoba can't help but feel like his story...

His loss isn't so bad. Karamatsu suffered from neglect and abuse, he suffered from... loss. He can't say for certain that he was left behind willingly or not, and he'd like to think that Noiz loved him.

Aoba feels his chest tighten as his tears roll down his face hot and large, his throat tightening until he's just a strained whisper. ]

I... I'm not... I'm n-nuh... not ready...!

I wish I-- [ Instead of being able to form coherent sentences, Aoba clutches around his shoulders and breaks out into a sob. ] I'm so sorry...

_{[ OH MY GOD HE BROKE IT. ]}

_{[ He doesn't know what he did or said but he gathers it could be this extravagant display he's made for Aoba. The gifts, the doting, the kind words.. somehow, it clicks in his dull mind that he's been too hasty with Aoba. He doesn't know the extent of he and Noiz's relationship, but..
He doesn't know what else to do but wrap his arms around him. ]}

Oh! Oh no no.. what-- ah... I don't understand what you are sorry about but you don't have to cry!

[ He's stuck in a loop. He keeps thinking about how Noiz, locked in his room, neglected by his parents and used by nearly everyone he ever knew... and Karamatsu who basically was so desperate for affection and then there's him, being a hot mess all over again.

Aoba cries all over him, feeling ashamed but also guilty about his part and he doesn't know what he's supposed to do with how he feels about him and how he's failing Karamatsu. ]

Because you deserve a lot better and...!

[ It's too late, he's gone all emotional on him and now he's being a big crybaby right against his chest. Speaking of which, Aoba pulls back and tearfully points this out. ]

Why are you shirtless in April, anyway? A-aren't you freezing? [ Why is he upset about this... ]

_{[ Karamatsu would argue— Aoba is as about as good as it gets for him. He still cannot believe Aoba is interested in him to begin with— a part of him doesn't believe it, truthfully. He parts his lips to speak but then Aoba brings up his attire and his eyebrows raise slightly. ]}

Well, you see... it's my wooing outfit. I got it for White Day! To return gifts to all of my adoring kittens who gave me chocolate on Valentine's.

_{[ a beat. ]}

Heh. They must have been too embarrassed to give me chocolates that day considering I did not get any, but I like the purpose of the outfit now even more so.
_{[ There's another steady pause before he takes a step back to give Aoba space if he wants it. ]}

Hm. You shouldn't worry.. about me, or any of this. I can wait patiently for your answer if you are not ready.
_{[ That's what Aoba said through those sobs, right? That he wasn't ready? ]}

[ Aoba drops his eyes, feeling stupid and emotional. He needs to take responsibility for his part in all of this mess. Confessing and kissing him, that might've been in line with the festival, but it probably didn't help Karamatsu at all. Like he went and dangled a carrot in front of his face only to keep it just out of reach. Wiping his eyes, he huffs a laugh through tears when he mentions White Day and how ridiculous it is. Ridiculous, but very like him. He doesn't do anything half-assed, not when it comes to fashion or romance, two things he idolizes.

The smile has no staying power and it drops off as he recalls the gifts, the flowers, the way he's dressed. All his (overbearing) efforts to win his heart. He feels like a jerk. ]

I'm disappointing the most important person to me. So it's impossible for me not to worry.

[ Aoba reaches out to grip his sleeve, even though Karamatsu just stepped back to give him space. ]

...I want to be alone, but I don't want to be lonely. I like you, but I don't want to be anyone's boyfriend.

Edited 2018-04-04 00:39 (UTC)

_{[ Karamatsu is disappointed, but that is what he always gets for being too optimistic. It doesn't show on his face. He feels like maybe he isn't good enough and Aoba is just trying to let him down easily. The idea of liking some one and then not accepting them once feelings have been confessed is so foreign to him, but he's trying to place himself in Aoba's shoes. ]}

—Whenever your heart heals and your mind is made up, I will be here. But even so, I will not abandon you as a friend. You are too valuable to me for that.. and nobody deserves loneliness.

_{[ A beat. It's kind of awkward, now, but he doesn't want to leave Aoba especially if he just said he doesn't want to be alone. ]}

Shall I take you for ice cream, then?
_{[ Huh. So natural. ]}

[ The hand holding the edge of his sleeve tightens, squeezing the white fabric in his fingers. He's worried that doing what he thinks is ultimately the right thing to do -- wait -- is going to dismantle whatever rickety bridge they have right now in this complicated relationship. Karamatsu's fragile despite his Hollywood facade... or at least Aoba thinks so. So he worries that he'll throw his hand away and huff angrily and leave, or worse -- accept it and suffer in silence.

But then he says something Aoba doesn't expect.

Ice cream...?

It's like something they would normally do. Instantly he remembers snapshots, memories flashing before his eyes in rapid fire. Him reaching over the table to pull Karamatsu away from singing some ballad to their friendship on open mic night, the bouquet of roses meant for someone else tapping his shoulder, his arms draped over Karamatsu's shoulders in a dance intended for a date he didn't have while his friend fumed, the warming glow of the bonfire during their belated birthday as he drops a gift into his hands, the dampness in his hair when he heads into Karamatsu's house before that moment when he kissed him and everything changed.

There's so much that's happened and those memories are so precious to him. What Karamatsu suggests sounds like one of them and he's so startled by his complete turn-around that Aoba's chin snaps up -- so quickly that the tears that were brimming in his eyes fall right out in his wide-eyed surprise. ]

...Eh?

_{[ He responds almost instantly: ]}
I can still get you ice cream, right?

...

[ Aoba stares at him, then his head bobs in silence. Y-yeah, that's okay. More than okay. He feels a rush of heat that seems to explode from the uncomfortable stone that settled in his stomach, swelling up through his heart and into the far corners of his extremities. It's not like that heat that makes him blush but it's comfort. Relief?

But what comes riding hot on it's heels is another feeling. ]

[ It's --

Love.

But it's not really the kind you can put a distinct label on. They were friends and soulmates first, and a romantic love came later, and it kind of snuck up on them. So really when Aoba throws his arms around Karamatsu's shoulders this time, it's more of an expression of gratitude and surprise. But there's so much affection poured into it that he literally bumps his head with his, laughing through eyes prickling with tears. But he keeps it short, because he is too keenly aware of how he needs to hold Karamatsu's brave heart gently. ]

Are you trying to act all cool? You nerd!

[ That doesn't mean he's going to refrain from teasing him. ]

Aa, act all cool? I do not need to act cool, I am already cool! I am.. the definition of cool! What I am trying to do with all of this is... not abandon you.
_{[ He thinks it's a decent compromise. Aoba doesn't want to be official with him— Karamatsu still can't quite understand, but he can't force someone into a relationship with him, but he also cannot leave someone cause he isn't getting his way.

At least now there is nothing to hide. Aoba knows he likes him and vice versa, he will just have to be patient. ]}

Heh.. which is your favorite kind?

[ Aoba pulls away and smiles at him, wiping at the corners of his eyes. He's still feeling a little vulnerable, but Karamatsu is trying to put him at ease and it's kind of working? Not that it's a magic spell to banish away the stress he's been feeling but... he wants him to feel like his efforts aren't wasted.

It's going to take time, and effort on his part too. ]

Non-dairy!

[ He answers that very quickly, faster than he usually does. Aoba usually hedges around a topic before giving a pointed answer like this, especially if it's almost like he's looking a gift horse in the mouth. ]

Non-dairy? Aoba, are you allergic and you never told me? If so, that is mighty dangerous of you.

I'm not lactose intolerant or anything. It's just that...

[ He can digest it just fine, but it's more of a texture and taste thing. For some reason, milk is something he just cannot stand. Some cheeses are fine, and sometimes a light cream is good. But he's very fickle about it. ]

The taste of milk is something I can't stand for some reason. Even in school I got in trouble for not drinking my milk. And one time I was fired from my job at an ice cream parlor because of it.

Anyway... don't let that stop you! I still like tofu or soy-based stuff! Sorbets and popsicles are good too!

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