bottombitch | IC Contact @ Riverview

[ Ah, he's comforting him. Aoba feels like he should tell him he doesn't need to apologize either, but that would mean he would get distracted again. He feels like he's losing control of himself because of how much of a whirlwind his thoughts and feelings are. It's a mess, and he hates how he seems to have single-handedly dropped Karamatsu's mood. Aoba takes a hand off from around his knees and tries to catch his sleeve, wrist... fingers. Anything to hold for a moment. ]

Sorry.

My heads been all kinds of messed up ever since... and it's probably because I wouldn't talk about the things I regret that I look like this now.

[ Because there's still something he's not telling him. The part where his thoughts have been lingering too much on his fears of losing the special and unique attachments he has with the men in his life, and how he had to scrutinize his own feelings a little more carefully. What he found threw him into a tailspin that he still hasn't recovered from. ]

...Um, so. [ He fidgets, muttering into his knees as he looks at Karamatsu from over them. He has to ask. ]

If... you knew I had a boyfriend... does that mean you're into... 'that' sort of thing.

[ SO VAGUE??? ]

That sort of thing?
_{[ you can't be vague around him it's dangerous... ]}

_{[ .... ]}

_{[ he doesn't know what Aoba means, so he just blurts the first thing to mind. ]}

You mean anal sex?
I have never tried.
_{[ He hasn't tried any sex. ]}

[ Aoba considers, not for the first time, kicking Karamatsu's shit in. ]

[ Aoba takes his hand away from Karamatsu's and straightens out his legs back to the floor. Staring in silent judgment can only carry him so far, so he replies flatly. ]

You know being gay isn't just about butt stuff, right?

[ Granted, butt stuff is great but there's a lot more to it ANYWAY THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT HE WAS GONNA ASK. MOVING ON. ]

I mean more like how you see those multi-partner unions and marriages? Poly-amorous? Or... are you one of those guys into cuckholdry?

[ This conversation... it's taken such a turn. ]

_{[ He hasn't the faintest idea how to be gay he just knows he is gay. Kind of gay. Halfway gay. Bisexual. He doesn't have any hetero-sex experience anyway, so he's just as clueless in bed no matter what sex he is with.
His cheeks are growing pink from the topic of conversation. He's not used to talking about gay stuff! Bi stuff! This kind of stuff.

Then Aoba asks this question and his eyebrows raise until they are hidden under his bangs. Uh.
He's never thought about this, but he's been known to be willing to share a partner with his brothers, but that's because they share everything. He never thought of sharing a person with somebody who isn't his brother. ]}

Ah.. well..
I suppose if I were madly in love with them, it wouldn't matter to me. As long as I get an equal share of love.. enough love to satisfy my heart.. I would not mind sharing!
_{[ He's desperate. ]}

Edited 2018-02-25 04:38 (UTC)

Heeh?!

[ Wait, what?! Aoba turns slightly and leans forward, blinking into Karamatsu's face. Aoba has no idea of how he shares everything with his brothers but... he certainly doesn't want to be the guy who he's... madly in love with?! Seriously?!?! ]

S-so you're saying you're... m-madly... in love? And that's why you just... u-um...!

[ Karamatsu, you can't just blurt out weird, over-the-top shit like this and not expect Aoba to get flustered. This is so much worse than he thought!! ]

_{[ Karamatsu also adjusts his posture, eyebrows raising. He didn't mean he was madly in love with you! (Yet.) Given the chance, though, he could see himself falling into those kind of feelings for Aoba.
Now it's just awkward.

He turns away, unaware his ears are red. ]}

I-I'm saying.. ! If I were ever to fall madly in love! Hah! You know, with anyone! That is how it would be!

[ Aoba bristles, his face turning red. He'd meant to ask him something personal, sure, but then it went places and now he's gone and blurted out something weird and his first instinct is to fluster out his own defense. ]

C-can't you just -- that phrasing was...!

[ Hiding his face behind his hand, he stares at Karamatsu for a moment. Okay, no... there was nothing wrong with his phrasing. He just got a little bent out of shape over nothing, didn't he? How embarrassing...! ]

...I guess I'm just. Jumping to some really weird conclusions.

[ God, just what the hell was that? Jumpy doesn't even begin to come close to describing the way he just flipped out. To make matters worse, he's emerged from this line of questioning with egg on his face with no better clarity than when he started. ]

Probably because I feel guilty.

There is no reason to feel guilty.
_{[ He's still not looking at him because good grief. ]}

I am accustomed to love that is not reciprocated. It's fine.
_{[ He feels like he has to be firm with this statement otherwise Aoba won't ever feel better about this, right? ]}

Again.. I am surprised you even bother with me at all after what happened.

Hang on!

[ Aoba drops his hand in alarm and starts forward a moment, not wanting for a moment for Karamatsu to think that and carry the weight of that feeling one moment further. That's not why he feels guilty either! ]

That's not it at all! Just because I can't act on it doesn't mean I don't feel something too!

[ Hooboy. ]

Edited 2018-02-25 23:14 (UTC)

_{[ Hooboy indeed.
Karamatsu never expected Aoba to return the feelings. He may not outwardly act like it, but deep down Karamatsu knows he's a good for nothing loser just like the rest of his family and it sucks. He's in love with the idea of being in love, but he knows deep down it's impossible for him.

He looks at the table they're sitting at. ]}

Aoba, don't be silly.
You're too good of a person for someone like me.

[ For some reason, hearing him tell him he's too good for him makes him angry. One outburst follows hot on the heels of another, this time his frustration leaks through. He just admitted to something that makes his face heat up with embarrassment, just barely scratching the surface of the kinds of things that have been keeping him up at night and draining the color from his hair and skin and eyes.

When Aoba glares back at him, his eyes carry a tint of yellow and green, the tips of his hair a washed-out blue. ]

Fine, don't believe me!

[ Maybe if he'd gone ahead and used Scrap, he wouldn't be in this mess. Or at least, Karamatsu wouldn't hate himself as much as he seems to, and maybe love himself enough to not hopelessly seek out love in all the wrong places. ]

...It's probably better if you didn't.

_{[ Can you blame him though, Aoba? Nobody has ever reciprocated feelings for him. It seems so surreal that somebody does-- somebody he really wants to be with but can't be with and now..
..well, now Karamatsu is getting angry. Ichimatsu told him recently to be himself, show his real feelings, everyone hates who he displays himself as. But now since he's shown his emotions and confessed his feelings, that isn't working either. It's just stupid. He's stupid and he's angry at himself for being so unhappy with himself.

It's Karamatsu who finally stands up, moving quickly to slide out of the booth. ]}

It's probably better I don't like anyone then!
_{[ Because every time he does, it causes problems. ]}

I'm.. so scared of being by myself, but at this point, it really isn't worth it, is it? Aah, I hurt myself, I hurt other people. It isn't worth it!
_{[ He shuffles towards the door, his muscles tensed and jaw clenched. He doesn't leave quite yet, one of his feet impatiently tapping on the floor.

God, he messed up. ]}

I'm happy for you-- that you have somebody else, cause being alone sucks!
_{[ Oh, there goes the door. ]}

[ Aoba feels a sinking sensation, like a cold, heavy stone settling in his stomach. For some reason, he feels rooted to the seat, watching his friend make for the door with frustration matching his own. Suddenly he realizes his own mistake -- how reckless was he in making even that small admission, how thoughtless to dangle this before him only for it to remain out of reach.

He'd reminded him of what he can't have, and for what? So he didn't have to bear the burden of his own feelings and the guilt that weighed it down alone? Pathetic.

I really fucked up. ]

...Ka--!

[ Yeah, that's... not ending like this. Aoba balls up his fists and bolts for the door and yanks it open.

He's used to hoofing it around the city and he hasn't stopped that habit in Quarantine, no matter how much easier it is to get around using public transportation here than back home. So as he starts after Karamatsu, he's not going to stop until he's caught up to him. ]

Kara-kun!!

_{[ He's so angry. He's gone and done it. He's told Aoba his weaknesses, opened himself up and making him vulnerable and for what? For what? So Karamatsu can get mad at himself and storm out? Leave his friend? He's so angry for making such an explosive response but it hurts and it is hard when you bottle it up so much. He's more angry at himself than Aoba and he hates showing that.

He hears Aoba's voice behind him and in an instant he starts crying, but unlike before he doesn't want to stop and resolve this. He wants to get away and sit in solitude and have his own pity party. It's pathetic. It's weak. Just like he said. ]}

Don't waste your time on me!
_{[ Goodness. ]}

[ Frustration is a bitch, and for some it seems to overstay it's welcome or be a frequent visitor. Karamatsu seems one of those types who deals with this so often that it's practically family, what with the emotion in his voice telling him that he's crying.

Aoba's eyes widen for a moment, then he continues to give chase. ]

Don't... tell me how to spend my time!

[ Aoba pushes his strength into his legs to try to catch up with him, reaching out to grab his arm. If he succeeds, he'll let his momentum carry him in the hopes of pulling him into an embrace... but if his luck should turn on him, it might turn into a tackle. ]

I'll spend it how I want, with whomever I want!

_{[ The second he feels himself being grabbed his initial reaction is to beat his fists on Aoba's chest-- nothing too strong but it might be surprising for Aoba to see his arms flying at him. He wants to get away and hide because he knows he's started to cry and he doesn't want to look so uncool and pitiful.

At the same time, he never strikes Aoba in the face, and if Aoba is persistent enough, he'll allow the hug. But as for words, there's nothing like that-- just wailing. ]}

[ Every other time, Aoba's let him storm off on his own. But this time he knows if he lets him go this time, he'll regret it. He's already ghosted on him this month since the kiss and now he's gone and made it worse, enough to make Karamatsu cry. It's what keeps him on task, his body catching up to Karamatsu even as he drums his fists on his chest and Aoba pulls him close. ]

I'm sorry. I said something awful.

[ Aoba blinks as he hears the muffled sound of Karamatsu crying and he hugs him as he catches his breath. Karamatsu likes to put on airs, doing his best to look the part of a movie star, or some idealized vision gracing the cover of some fashion magazine. His heart is kind of fragile, despite how he tries to play it cool.

Pulling him to his chest, he allows himself a wry chuckle in an attempt to distract himself from the infectiousness of his crying - already his eyes prickle, threatening to form tears of sympathy. ]

Some friend I am, disappearing like that and then hurting your feelings when you just wanted to hang out.

[ Aoba presses his lips onto the top of his head, kissing his hair as he tries to speak to him softly through the other man's wailing. The sound breaks his heart and all he wants to do is try to erase the damage he's done. ]

That was so selfish of me.

_{[ Usually Karamatsu would try to be the nice guy and wave it off, pass the blame onto himself or something like that in attempt to look better than someone else, but he's too upset to fake anything right now. He's exhausted. Having long lasting relationships is hard and all he is the most familiar with is his relationship with his siblings.

The wailing stops and he's gripping into Aoba's clothing now. He's pretty easy to comfort because any positive attention distracts him. ]}

S-Stupid Aoba, you shouldn't have to look at me like this-- don't look at me like this!

Hey, what kind of soulmate would I be if I wouldn't look at you?

[ Normally it'd be awkward, standing in the middle of the sidewalk on a busy street, holding a man crying so openly in his arms. But Aoba doesn't notice it, even when people swivel their heads to look as they pass by, instead just winding his arms even tighter around him. ]

If you don't want me to look, I won't.

My hoodie is pretty absorbent, after all... so it's okay if you want to stay like this. Besides...

[ Aoba murmurs near his ear as he touches the back of his head, patting him as Granny used to. It makes him homesick, but doing this to comfort someone else, mimicking the consoling gesture he had growing up, makes him feel better. ]

You give such great hugs, it's something I missed. And I'm glad you can still give me them even after everything that's happened.

I'm beginning to lose faith in this whole soul mates thing. It's complicated my feelings-- it's hurt you. But...
_{[ but.. ]}

I can't resist. I'm so.. grateful for you and who you are.
_{[ He grips Aoba's clothes tighter, glaring at Aoba's collarbone-- you know. Looking anywhere but in Aoba's eyes.
In a hushed tone he tries to compose himself and is able to squeak out: ]}

You mean.. so much to me...

[ Aoba smiles sheepishly, but color continues to grow more vivid as it chases the white away, the affliction losing hold of him as he opens up his heart and speaks more candidly of the things he's been withholding. ]

I guess I'm kind of vain and selfish, I don't want anyone to think poorly of me, particularly not those who I'm close to.

I thought... if how I felt was normal for soulmates, then it was fine. But I think I was hiding behind it... so I must have made made you start to resent the word.

[ He hates how it makes him sound, but it's the truth. He feels wrong for it -- in love with one man, and having romantic feelings and thoughts of another. It was too convenient to hold the complexity of soulmates as a shield but ever since Karamatsu revealed his feelings for him, he recognized his own for what they were. But talking about it so frankly makes him self conscious and he starts to fluster. Is he babbling? He's probably babbling. ]

Y-you mean a lot to me too, so... I couldn't let you run away like that!

I don't know who you think I am.. but I'm not anything I want to be.
_{[ at least he's stopped crying, so that's good. He does sniffle, though. His upset emotions still linger. He heaves out a sigh, nodding a few times. ]}

I.. understand not wanting anyone to think poorly of you, but.. people seem to do that anyway.
_{[ He fidgets, adverting his gaze. ]}

It's.. strange to finally find someone who cares.. and understands, but..
_{[ He takes a single step back, looking up at Aoba. ]}

It was also selfish of me to cross my boundaries.
_{[ A beat. ]}

It's selfish of me to like you the way I do.

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