bottombitch | IC Contact @ Riverview

[ Aoba's mouth opens and closes a few times before he makes an attempt at the unfamiliar string of words. What is it? What does it mean? Aoba rolls it over his tongue but it doesn't feel right, doesn't sound right either. ]

Moan shatton?

[ It's close in terms of vowel sounds but also not right. He tried, though. ]

...Maybe then, we should try hanging out like we usually do. Only maybe... explain to me more about the kinds of things you're talking about.

[ Just what does Karamatsu mean when he says he should show more how much he cares for him. This... is exceedingly, excessively vague. After all, it wasn't that long ago that he surprised him with the, um, enthusiasm with which he showed how much he wanted to be close to him before exhaustion sank in. ]

A-aah.. you want to be.. spoiled of my ideas, just like that?
_{[ He stammers slightly, embarrassed by his own thoughts. Looks like Karamatsu can even embarrass himself. He pulls away but slides his hands down Aoba's arms until he is holding him by his finger tips. ]}

W-Well, we can walk down the street.. holding hands! I can buy your meals-- remind you of how handsome you are with my words! I can sing you songs-- whatever songs you want to hear-- and watch the sunset with you! I can hold you close.. and kiss you where ever you want!

Then.. I can take you on another date the next day.. and the next day.. and the next day... and the next day...
_{[ oh. ]}

Edited 2018-04-01 03:07 (UTC)

[ Aoba listens to him with his eyes closed in deep thought and consideration, his arms folded over his chest. A date consisting of holding hands is... fine, he supposes. His expression remains neutral through that and only falters when he suggests gushing with compliments. That gets him to peek out through one eye, his expression still passive but not really looking thrilled either.

He's not looking for some kind of sycophantic, flattery-riddled love affair. He likes Karamatsu, likes that he can hang out with him but also likes kissing and holding him. But... he doesn't want to go overboard. ]

...That won't do.

[ RECORD SCRATCH. Aoba just refused so bluntly with a shake of his head. No. Nope, that's not what he wants. ]

—Oh.

Ah.

Then you can take.. me on a date then!
_{[ PERFECT SOLUTION. ]}

[ Aoba blinks his eyes open. Take him out on a date... it's not like it's a novel idea exactly, but it's not a terrible one. But it still sounds so one-sided, so Aoba approaches this from a different angle. One leaves him in the driver's seat, which is not a place he's used to being in, but he's... not exactly opposed, not when Karamatsu is as clueless as he is when it comes to dating. Maybe even more.

Aoba leans his head to the side. Maybe this could work. ]

Then... maybe we can make dinner together.

[ It's... like hanging out. Except they can both come up with something to make together, and then enjoy it together. Add some mood lighting, something to drink... and it actually sounds...

Romantic. ]

If that is what your heart desires with me, I'll willingly comply.
What will we do next after that?
_{[ At least he's not difficult. ]}

[ Yes, make dinner. And then they could eat, chatting over candlelight or something. You know, like a real date.

Except then there's that thing. After. After that.

...

What will they do? After.
Maybe they should...
...Go on a walk?
...Catch a film?
...Watch something on TV?

...

These ideas... they're so plain. It lacks substance or flavor, like biting into white bread. All of these things sound so familiar. He could easily do any of these as his friend. But now they sound different, daring. ]

Um.

[ Something is wrong, something about this is making him feel like his chest and throat is tightening up, his mouth is turning as dry as sawdust. His heart is racing, but it's more in this panicked way, like when he woke up in the middle of the night to an empty apartment and some sound woke him up. ]

I'm sorry, now that I've gone and said it out loud... my ideas sound really plain and stupid.

_{[ Karamatsu is still a bit confused as to why they have to go on a date before he can call him his boyfriend, but.
He's a bit too passive to question it, really.

Karamatsu scratches the side of his cheek. ]}

Normal things we do... but with.. more love!
_{[ still staying positive.. ]}

[ It's because Aoba hasn't figured out what he wants, who he is and a lot of other blurry things surrounding how he feels. Aoba blinks at him. ]

More love?

[ Leaning his head to the side, he taps his chin with a finger and asks plainly, because he's learning that he kind of has to when it comes to Karamatsu. ]

What does that mean to you, exactly? [ He's curious (and a little cautious, maybe). ]

W-Well, ah.. I suppose before you can see how beautiful a flower is.. you have to water it first! So, we are watering each other.. to see if we will like the color and smell of the flower in the end.
_{[ not the answer Aoba was looking for, but thankfully Karamatsu follows up with something else: ]}

Hanging out.. with the intent of future compatibility. Oh, but that is pretty much dating, isn't it? I do not know how you feel in regards to that.. if you want to date other people but..
_{[ He exhales a sigh-- nothing discontented but also nothing dreamy either. He just seems very happy at the thought as he tears his gaze away from Aoba and looks at the wall of the hotel. ]}

.. I just want to date you.
_{[ There's nobody here anymore that he is interested in since he confirmed the feelings he harbors for his soul mate. ]}

[ That watering flowers analogy is lost on him, he just ends up imagining them both as flower-decorated watering cans and that's such a bizarre mental image that he just kinda shorts out there. Thankfully, he explains further and so Aoba listens intently.

...

And then he feels guilty. He wants to be close to Karamatsu and explore his obviously, undeniably romantic feelings for him, but he also doesn't want to rush into a relationship. It's like he's treading dangerously deep waters with only some knowledge of how to keep his head above water. ]

[ Aoba reaches out and slips his arms around Karamatsu's waist, hugging him from behind and burying his face in his jacket. He wants him to know he cares, but otherwise... he doesn't know what he's doing at all. ]

I miss you when you're not around. [ Somehow it's a little easier to let loose his tongue when he's not facing him, when he doesn't have to show him his face... but especially when Karamatsu has his back turned towards him. It makes him feel a little desperate. ]

When I think about you or see you, sometimes my heart does funny things and I can't control my breathing.

Sometimes, I want to hold your hand or touch you like this with no reason except... because I'm selfish, I guess.

_{[ Woah, those are some words Aoba just gave him right then and there. He's certain nobody has ever said that to him and for the longest time he believed nobody would ever say those things to him. With Aoba hugging him like this, he can probably feel Karamatsu's heart racing. ]}

O-oh.
_{[ He's.. really just speechless. His voice is small, almost like he is hesitant to talk because he is making sure he heard that right. ]}

I do not think.. it is selfish.. but maybe— it's a good thing. Maybe it's— you know..
_{[ Oh my god he can't be confident right now. He places both of his hands on Aoba's hands that are holding him and gives him two tight squeezes. ]}

[ Aoba blushes against his shoulder, hiding his face out of embarrassment. Under his fingers, he can feel a drumming under his skin. His heart is beating fast, just like his... and Karamatsu can't even finish a sentence right.

It's so unfair. He's being so unfair. He clutches at him and muffles his voice against his jacket, shaking his head. ]

Is it?!

I really like you, but I don't know what I'm doing.

D—Does it.. really seem like I have an idea of what I'm doing to you?
_{[ Wow, he impressed himself. ]}

Aoba-kun, can I tell you something? It has to do with who you are.. and with somebody else I knew back home.

[ Aoba feels so vulnerable after admitting what he did, he ends up clinging around him like he's afraid he'll turn around and see him laid bare. It's a foolish and childish thought, but he isn't thinking clearly and hasn't felt like he's been able to in weeks.

Peeking out from the fabric of his jacket, Aoba looks at him from over his shoulder, his mouth still muffled. ]

...You can tell me anything, Kara-kun.

_{[ He turns around and links his hands with Aoba's, holding his hands properly again. He exhales a breath. ]}

Back home, there was somebody that I dated. It was for the wrong reasons, but I continued to stay with her no matter how much she yelled at me or demanded things from me. If she wanted ice cream, I'd leave right then and get it for her. If she was mad about something, I let her take it out on me. I never left her because I didn't want her to be alone. Uh.. things kind of went fast until she insisted that she wanted to marry me.. I finally said no and ran from her.

She was a selfish person, but you— well..

I think you're a beautiful person.

[ Aoba lifts his chin, looking into Karamatsu's eyes as he holds him -- he's actually shorter than he is, so he ends up staring down into them when their fingers interlace. He listens to his story. That sounds like the worst, being stuck in this relationship out of pity, clinging to something pathetic because you felt sorry for them.

He can't help but turn that story inwards. He knows Noiz wondered if he felt sorry for him because he couldn't feel. It's a painful memory, like the one Karamatsu recalls and yet after it's telling Aoba can't help but feel like his story...

His loss isn't so bad. Karamatsu suffered from neglect and abuse, he suffered from... loss. He can't say for certain that he was left behind willingly or not, and he'd like to think that Noiz loved him.

Aoba feels his chest tighten as his tears roll down his face hot and large, his throat tightening until he's just a strained whisper. ]

I... I'm not... I'm n-nuh... not ready...!

I wish I-- [ Instead of being able to form coherent sentences, Aoba clutches around his shoulders and breaks out into a sob. ] I'm so sorry...

_{[ OH MY GOD HE BROKE IT. ]}

_{[ He doesn't know what he did or said but he gathers it could be this extravagant display he's made for Aoba. The gifts, the doting, the kind words.. somehow, it clicks in his dull mind that he's been too hasty with Aoba. He doesn't know the extent of he and Noiz's relationship, but..
He doesn't know what else to do but wrap his arms around him. ]}

Oh! Oh no no.. what-- ah... I don't understand what you are sorry about but you don't have to cry!

[ He's stuck in a loop. He keeps thinking about how Noiz, locked in his room, neglected by his parents and used by nearly everyone he ever knew... and Karamatsu who basically was so desperate for affection and then there's him, being a hot mess all over again.

Aoba cries all over him, feeling ashamed but also guilty about his part and he doesn't know what he's supposed to do with how he feels about him and how he's failing Karamatsu. ]

Because you deserve a lot better and...!

[ It's too late, he's gone all emotional on him and now he's being a big crybaby right against his chest. Speaking of which, Aoba pulls back and tearfully points this out. ]

Why are you shirtless in April, anyway? A-aren't you freezing? [ Why is he upset about this... ]

_{[ Karamatsu would argue— Aoba is as about as good as it gets for him. He still cannot believe Aoba is interested in him to begin with— a part of him doesn't believe it, truthfully. He parts his lips to speak but then Aoba brings up his attire and his eyebrows raise slightly. ]}

Well, you see... it's my wooing outfit. I got it for White Day! To return gifts to all of my adoring kittens who gave me chocolate on Valentine's.

_{[ a beat. ]}

Heh. They must have been too embarrassed to give me chocolates that day considering I did not get any, but I like the purpose of the outfit now even more so.
_{[ There's another steady pause before he takes a step back to give Aoba space if he wants it. ]}

Hm. You shouldn't worry.. about me, or any of this. I can wait patiently for your answer if you are not ready.
_{[ That's what Aoba said through those sobs, right? That he wasn't ready? ]}

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