bottombitch | IC Contact @ Riverview

_{[ Well, if it's not possible, then Karamatsu isn't sure how to make this situation better for everyone. He doesn't know what it means when Aoba changes this color or what caused it, how it works, anything like that. Instead, he offers Aoba a weak grin and plops down next to him. They're all alone in this karaoke room, nothing but the TV screens prompting them to select a song.

Karamatsu just can't help it, sliding into the booth until their hips connect. He leans forward, peering at the sulking man next to him. ]}

I'll get your drink.
_{[ His voice is quiet, something he really only reserves for certain people.}

... [ God, what a mess.

Aoba looks at him out of the corner of his eye in silent acknowledgment of the solid weight of him in the seat next to him, the warmth he feels as he slots in at his side. It's familiar, more than welcome given his own self-imposed solitude. But at the same times, he worries that any amount of touch might set things in motion in ways he didn't intend.

Just like last time.

Aoba averts his eyes, but prompts Karamatsu into conversation about a subject they're both avoiding, skirting around talking about it directly but addressing it nevertheless. ]

It's weird, being like this... isn't it?

...We're both holding our feelings back out of fear from opposite ends of the spectrum, aren't we?

_{[ He watches Aoba, an undeniably clueless expression on his face. ]}

We are holding back feelings? O-oh, I thought.. I was the only one holding back feelings..!!
_{[ You see, he's oblivious you have any sort of feelings like what he has. That is what you said, right? Cause he just heard the F word and ran with it. ]}

Aoba-kun, are you saying you actually reciprocate!?
_{[ One thing about Karamatsu being so arrogant is he always fixates the conversation back to him and has to filter containing it when it comes to that. ]}

I said opposite ends, Kara-kun. O P P O S I T E. You know what it means, right?

[ Aoba turns and drops a hand onto Karamatsu's head, like a chop only... gentle. Just hard enough to get a reaction. ]

It means something innocent was taken from me. I want it back just as much as you want --

[ Aoba trails off, pulling his hand away and leaving his hands to fidget in his lap, his too-white eyes dropping to them. He's telling himself he's not reciprocating his feelings, just setting boundaries. ]

...Something else, right?

_{[ The chop earns him nothing more than a slight grimace, but otherwise he looks very attentive. ]}

Uwah.. I suppose..
_{[ He scratches the side of his cheek, embarrassed. ]}

... do I have to say what I want?

[ Aoba interlaces his fingers, then pulls them apart only to tent them contemplatively over his lap. He's had so much time alone to think, and yet he's no closer to a sense of calm or understanding. Instead... instead he's more conflicted now than ever.

Does he have to repeat himself? ]

No, you don't have to. [ There's no need. ] I understand... and I feel like... I feel like I should apologize for my part in making you feel that way.

[ Admitting this much feels like he's in an elevator that's suddenly dropped down a few floors. His stomach feels like there's a stone settling in it, cold and heavy and sickening. ]

...I overreached, Kara-kun. Thinking I could just... hug you or hold your hand like that without thinking how that would make you feel.

I'm sorry.

What do you mean.. apologize?
_{[ Usually Karamatsu puts the blame on other people for things, but he knows how weak his heart is for people. There's so many people he has fallen for in the past— he's gotten so many crushes. Crushes from back home, crushes from Eluvio. It isn't uncommon for him to invest a lot of feelings in people just because they're nice to him for a moment. ]}

Oh.. I would think it's my own fault for being so weak.
_{[ He says this so casually when it actually is a big flaw of his that he hates to admit. ]}

Edited 2018-02-24 04:10 (UTC)

[ Aoba suspects some things like... how strongly Karamatsu seems to feel about even the most mundane of things. Even knowing this about him, he didn't find it so much a deterrent to prevent him from draping his arms over his shoulders in a warm embrace, or by resting his head on his shoulder or arm or leg...

Not until this month, when he suddenly finds himself scrutinizing his every move and motivation for signs of infidelity. ]

...But I think maybe... it's not so easy to guard how you feel.

[ Because how he feels has kept him up more nights than he's willing to admit. And now, after so many sleepless ones, he wonders which is a greater weakness -- failure to acknowledge his feelings or pretending they didn't exist? ]

I keep thinking we're like-- [ Two ships on the same path but slightly off course... he wants to say this and yet this doesn't feel right, so instead he falls suddenly silent. Tucks his chin into his chest and winds his arms around his knees as he folds himself in half. This is hard. How is he supposed to answer? ]

...Like playing a game while the main character is like, more advanced or skilled than anything you see in real life, right? So you're kinda jumping in not really knowing what you're doing. And...

[ He's rambling.

Aoba feels his limbs grow cold and numb as he speaks, that sensation of fear creeping in as he starts hedging closer to a topic he's been holding back on. ]

Haah, nevermind. It's just... I get why you say you're weak, but I really wonder if there's something I did to... invite this.

Edited 2018-02-24 11:52 (UTC)

_{[ Throughout this, Karamatsu tilts his head. He doesn't understand why Aoba is feeling guilty about this-- Karamatsu is the one who acted out of his own selfish desires. He's the one who feels guilty. He listens thoroughly, though, and once Aoba is finished he reaches over and places his palm comfortingly over one of Aoba's. ]}

Heh.. you don't need to apologize for being who you are.
That's all. That's what.. did it for me. Who you are.
_{[ The contact doesn't last long, just a few gentle pats and then he withdraws his hand, not wanting to upset Aoba again. Maaan, this sucks.
He looks down, smiling, but he looks a little sad. ]}

... Let's just drink and enjoy each other for who we are.

Edited 2018-02-25 02:33 (UTC)

[ Ah, he's comforting him. Aoba feels like he should tell him he doesn't need to apologize either, but that would mean he would get distracted again. He feels like he's losing control of himself because of how much of a whirlwind his thoughts and feelings are. It's a mess, and he hates how he seems to have single-handedly dropped Karamatsu's mood. Aoba takes a hand off from around his knees and tries to catch his sleeve, wrist... fingers. Anything to hold for a moment. ]

Sorry.

My heads been all kinds of messed up ever since... and it's probably because I wouldn't talk about the things I regret that I look like this now.

[ Because there's still something he's not telling him. The part where his thoughts have been lingering too much on his fears of losing the special and unique attachments he has with the men in his life, and how he had to scrutinize his own feelings a little more carefully. What he found threw him into a tailspin that he still hasn't recovered from. ]

...Um, so. [ He fidgets, muttering into his knees as he looks at Karamatsu from over them. He has to ask. ]

If... you knew I had a boyfriend... does that mean you're into... 'that' sort of thing.

[ SO VAGUE??? ]

That sort of thing?
_{[ you can't be vague around him it's dangerous... ]}

_{[ .... ]}

_{[ he doesn't know what Aoba means, so he just blurts the first thing to mind. ]}

You mean anal sex?
I have never tried.
_{[ He hasn't tried any sex. ]}

[ Aoba considers, not for the first time, kicking Karamatsu's shit in. ]

[ Aoba takes his hand away from Karamatsu's and straightens out his legs back to the floor. Staring in silent judgment can only carry him so far, so he replies flatly. ]

You know being gay isn't just about butt stuff, right?

[ Granted, butt stuff is great but there's a lot more to it ANYWAY THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT HE WAS GONNA ASK. MOVING ON. ]

I mean more like how you see those multi-partner unions and marriages? Poly-amorous? Or... are you one of those guys into cuckholdry?

[ This conversation... it's taken such a turn. ]

_{[ He hasn't the faintest idea how to be gay he just knows he is gay. Kind of gay. Halfway gay. Bisexual. He doesn't have any hetero-sex experience anyway, so he's just as clueless in bed no matter what sex he is with.
His cheeks are growing pink from the topic of conversation. He's not used to talking about gay stuff! Bi stuff! This kind of stuff.

Then Aoba asks this question and his eyebrows raise until they are hidden under his bangs. Uh.
He's never thought about this, but he's been known to be willing to share a partner with his brothers, but that's because they share everything. He never thought of sharing a person with somebody who isn't his brother. ]}

Ah.. well..
I suppose if I were madly in love with them, it wouldn't matter to me. As long as I get an equal share of love.. enough love to satisfy my heart.. I would not mind sharing!
_{[ He's desperate. ]}

Edited 2018-02-25 04:38 (UTC)

Heeh?!

[ Wait, what?! Aoba turns slightly and leans forward, blinking into Karamatsu's face. Aoba has no idea of how he shares everything with his brothers but... he certainly doesn't want to be the guy who he's... madly in love with?! Seriously?!?! ]

S-so you're saying you're... m-madly... in love? And that's why you just... u-um...!

[ Karamatsu, you can't just blurt out weird, over-the-top shit like this and not expect Aoba to get flustered. This is so much worse than he thought!! ]

_{[ Karamatsu also adjusts his posture, eyebrows raising. He didn't mean he was madly in love with you! (Yet.) Given the chance, though, he could see himself falling into those kind of feelings for Aoba.
Now it's just awkward.

He turns away, unaware his ears are red. ]}

I-I'm saying.. ! If I were ever to fall madly in love! Hah! You know, with anyone! That is how it would be!

[ Aoba bristles, his face turning red. He'd meant to ask him something personal, sure, but then it went places and now he's gone and blurted out something weird and his first instinct is to fluster out his own defense. ]

C-can't you just -- that phrasing was...!

[ Hiding his face behind his hand, he stares at Karamatsu for a moment. Okay, no... there was nothing wrong with his phrasing. He just got a little bent out of shape over nothing, didn't he? How embarrassing...! ]

...I guess I'm just. Jumping to some really weird conclusions.

[ God, just what the hell was that? Jumpy doesn't even begin to come close to describing the way he just flipped out. To make matters worse, he's emerged from this line of questioning with egg on his face with no better clarity than when he started. ]

Probably because I feel guilty.

There is no reason to feel guilty.
_{[ He's still not looking at him because good grief. ]}

I am accustomed to love that is not reciprocated. It's fine.
_{[ He feels like he has to be firm with this statement otherwise Aoba won't ever feel better about this, right? ]}

Again.. I am surprised you even bother with me at all after what happened.

Hang on!

[ Aoba drops his hand in alarm and starts forward a moment, not wanting for a moment for Karamatsu to think that and carry the weight of that feeling one moment further. That's not why he feels guilty either! ]

That's not it at all! Just because I can't act on it doesn't mean I don't feel something too!

[ Hooboy. ]

Edited 2018-02-25 23:14 (UTC)

_{[ Hooboy indeed.
Karamatsu never expected Aoba to return the feelings. He may not outwardly act like it, but deep down Karamatsu knows he's a good for nothing loser just like the rest of his family and it sucks. He's in love with the idea of being in love, but he knows deep down it's impossible for him.

He looks at the table they're sitting at. ]}

Aoba, don't be silly.
You're too good of a person for someone like me.

[ For some reason, hearing him tell him he's too good for him makes him angry. One outburst follows hot on the heels of another, this time his frustration leaks through. He just admitted to something that makes his face heat up with embarrassment, just barely scratching the surface of the kinds of things that have been keeping him up at night and draining the color from his hair and skin and eyes.

When Aoba glares back at him, his eyes carry a tint of yellow and green, the tips of his hair a washed-out blue. ]

Fine, don't believe me!

[ Maybe if he'd gone ahead and used Scrap, he wouldn't be in this mess. Or at least, Karamatsu wouldn't hate himself as much as he seems to, and maybe love himself enough to not hopelessly seek out love in all the wrong places. ]

...It's probably better if you didn't.

_{[ Can you blame him though, Aoba? Nobody has ever reciprocated feelings for him. It seems so surreal that somebody does-- somebody he really wants to be with but can't be with and now..
..well, now Karamatsu is getting angry. Ichimatsu told him recently to be himself, show his real feelings, everyone hates who he displays himself as. But now since he's shown his emotions and confessed his feelings, that isn't working either. It's just stupid. He's stupid and he's angry at himself for being so unhappy with himself.

It's Karamatsu who finally stands up, moving quickly to slide out of the booth. ]}

It's probably better I don't like anyone then!
_{[ Because every time he does, it causes problems. ]}

I'm.. so scared of being by myself, but at this point, it really isn't worth it, is it? Aah, I hurt myself, I hurt other people. It isn't worth it!
_{[ He shuffles towards the door, his muscles tensed and jaw clenched. He doesn't leave quite yet, one of his feet impatiently tapping on the floor.

God, he messed up. ]}

I'm happy for you-- that you have somebody else, cause being alone sucks!
_{[ Oh, there goes the door. ]}

[ Aoba feels a sinking sensation, like a cold, heavy stone settling in his stomach. For some reason, he feels rooted to the seat, watching his friend make for the door with frustration matching his own. Suddenly he realizes his own mistake -- how reckless was he in making even that small admission, how thoughtless to dangle this before him only for it to remain out of reach.

He'd reminded him of what he can't have, and for what? So he didn't have to bear the burden of his own feelings and the guilt that weighed it down alone? Pathetic.

I really fucked up. ]

...Ka--!

[ Yeah, that's... not ending like this. Aoba balls up his fists and bolts for the door and yanks it open.

He's used to hoofing it around the city and he hasn't stopped that habit in Quarantine, no matter how much easier it is to get around using public transportation here than back home. So as he starts after Karamatsu, he's not going to stop until he's caught up to him. ]

Kara-kun!!

IC Contact @ Riverview

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edits since I'm more awake now hahaha

me af tho

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