bottombitch | IC Contact @ Riverview

[ Ah, he gets it. The reason why Karamatsu is looking at him this way. The reason why his confidence is shaken. Aoba finds himself coiling up and then snapping too soon, blurting out despite his determination that he would... let him down gently or something. But now he's not even sure if he can do even that. He just wants him to... ]

Stop that!

I'm not... I'm not rejecting you! I like you... so stop thinking that!!

_{[ Aoba's response gets Karamatsu to do just that-- stop that-- and completely take a step back from Aoba. It takes a lot to get Karamatsu's attention like this and sometimes having to raise your voice is the best way.

He adverts his eyes. ]}

—I'm sorry. I should let you speak. I'm—
_{[ He cuts himself off as he dips his head in a slight bow. He's just so accustomed to this not going the way he wants it to. ]}

Please go ahead.

[ He just blurted it out, without even thinking it through. Now it's just weird, isn't it? Karamatsu's listening, even bowing his head in what feels like an apology. Aoba fidgets, suddenly on the spot and not sure what he wants to say anymore.

He doesn't want Karamatsu to hate him, or feel rejected by him. He doesn't want to feel smothered either. He just needs...

...He doesn't know what he needs. ]

Sorry, I shouldn't have raised my voice. I think... I'm feeling a little... um.

Pressure, I guess.

I don't understand.. you just said that you like me.. then.. there should be a reason why you're reluctant..
_{[ Karamatsu thinks long and hard and it shows on his face. ]}

You shouldn't feel any pressure. I do not want you to make a mistake, ah.. do you feel bad that maybe you haven't gotten me a present yet? That the size of my affection for you is.. more so of what you may feel for me?
_{[ He's sort of understanding. ]}

Is it.. too early for me to like you this much?
_{[ BINGO. ]}

I mean.. I figured it out when we were under the fairy lights..
_{[ He huffs out a bit of laughter. ]}

I'm sorry I have too much love to give you.

N-no, I think... maybe it's more normal that we don't give too much to each other at this juncture. Wasn't it better when it was during special occasions?

[ There's a ring of truth in much of his conclusions but none quite hit the mark completely. Aoba's a mess of conflicting feelings and guilt and reluctant to trust himself. Hell, he feels like he's a stranger to himself... having to relearn who he is now that he's no longer 'Aoba and Noiz'.

It's hard. Harder than the first time it had happened, because to a degree, it had been this physical thing... with an emotional connection for certain, but none so strong as the one they'd formed in Germany... or in quarantine. Aoba finds himself bouncing back and forth from 'is it okay' and 'it's okay because he left without a word' and neither brings him much comfort. ]

Eh? The fairy lights...? [ Wasn't that quite some time ago? But then he seems to recall, vaguely, that Karamatsu had said some things... and he had pretty much blocked it from his memory.

Aoba drops his gaze, feeling a little guilty. ]

...Me too, actually.

I see... so my affection is a bit too much..
_{[ NO SHIT SHERLOCK. ]}

Mmmm, I'll see what I can do about that, I suppose.
_{[ He wants to express to you how much you mean to him so badly. He looks to the side, a bit embarrassed this is actually a problem. His eyes bounce back to Aoba. ]}

If you don't want to date me now, you should know that I will wait forever, though.

Kara-kun. This is why I said 'compromise'.

[ Just as Aoba's thinking that maybe this is the best he can expect out of this conversation, Karamatsu says something completely over the top. It's... honestly to be expected. Just how low is his self-esteem that he's willing to wait forever like this?! ]

I can't help but feel the way I feel, no more or less than you can. And it's not like I'm spoken for, but neither am I going to just recklessly play with someone else's feelings.

[ Like throwing himself into another committed relationship. It's too soon. ]

So... [ Aoba crosses his arms and tries to look serious, but the flush spreading over his cheeks ruins the effect. ]

Why don't we go on a date?

_{[ Look, to him, compromise meant 'still be friends' but maybe that's just because he was expecting the worse. Aoba is talking, but he s having a hard time understanding Aoba's feelings which is his own fault, but all he can really hear is 'we go on a date.' ]}

.. A date?

WE CAN GO ON A DATE!?
_{[ with more enthusiasm... ]}

M-mn. [ Aoba nods. He thinks this is a fair compromise, allowing them to explore their feelings properly without being locked into something committed. ]

I know it's selfish, but even if I'm not ready to be anyone's boyfriend right now doesn't mean we can't... you know.

[ That enthusiasm makes him feel a little better -- and a lot more grateful that they had this talk in private. At least he seemed to have got somehow through to Karamatsu without hurting his feelings, so if that's really the case, he'll count that as a win. ]

Is that okay? [ Even if they're not exclusive like he insisted on? ]

_{[ It's not nearly the response he wanted, but it's not nearly the rejection he was expecting, either. He's too desperate for anything to have any consideration of boundaries, either. If Aoba wants to treat him like a boyfriend without actually being one, he doesn't care-- as long as he isn't alone. If his feelings are toyed with, that's fine, he doesn't mind and neither does he have a spine to have a say so.
He keeps a smile, tears pricking the corners of his eyes. Good god, one might would have thought Aoba asked him to marry him. ]}

Yes, O.K! As long as we spend time together-- that is fine!
_{[ hoo boy, are you sure, Aoba? ]}

[ Karamatsu looks excited about this. A little too excited. It would have been fine if he was happy, but he looks nearly on the verge of tears, so Aoba eyes him carefully. Is this okay? Isn't this unfair? But that's normal for two single guys who like he each other... isn't it? ]

...Ah.

[ Aoba's... not sure. Just how does he go about this? He's been off the market for years and didn't have a lot of experience in the dating scene anyway, so he's really not sure what he's supposed to do. All he knows is what was happening in recent weeks was certainly not normal. ]

That sounds a lot like just us hanging out though. Don't we do that already...?

[ Aoba folks his arms, closing his eyes to think. ]

_{[ Karamatsu tips his head sideways when Aoba makes that comment. He's right, but Karamatsu feels like a date is really different. They're hanging out with more purpose, and to Karamatsu, that is precious.

Anyway, he approaches Aoba when his eyes are closed and he wraps his arms around his neck, burrowing into his neck. Aoba can probably feel his smile against his skin. ]}

It is hanging out.. with more love ♡.
I'll take whatever you're willing to offer, mon chaton. You are.. my ray of happiness! And on a date, I am given more permission to show you how much I care for you, hm?

[ Aoba's mouth opens and closes a few times before he makes an attempt at the unfamiliar string of words. What is it? What does it mean? Aoba rolls it over his tongue but it doesn't feel right, doesn't sound right either. ]

Moan shatton?

[ It's close in terms of vowel sounds but also not right. He tried, though. ]

...Maybe then, we should try hanging out like we usually do. Only maybe... explain to me more about the kinds of things you're talking about.

[ Just what does Karamatsu mean when he says he should show more how much he cares for him. This... is exceedingly, excessively vague. After all, it wasn't that long ago that he surprised him with the, um, enthusiasm with which he showed how much he wanted to be close to him before exhaustion sank in. ]

A-aah.. you want to be.. spoiled of my ideas, just like that?
_{[ He stammers slightly, embarrassed by his own thoughts. Looks like Karamatsu can even embarrass himself. He pulls away but slides his hands down Aoba's arms until he is holding him by his finger tips. ]}

W-Well, we can walk down the street.. holding hands! I can buy your meals-- remind you of how handsome you are with my words! I can sing you songs-- whatever songs you want to hear-- and watch the sunset with you! I can hold you close.. and kiss you where ever you want!

Then.. I can take you on another date the next day.. and the next day.. and the next day... and the next day...
_{[ oh. ]}

Edited 2018-04-01 03:07 (UTC)

[ Aoba listens to him with his eyes closed in deep thought and consideration, his arms folded over his chest. A date consisting of holding hands is... fine, he supposes. His expression remains neutral through that and only falters when he suggests gushing with compliments. That gets him to peek out through one eye, his expression still passive but not really looking thrilled either.

He's not looking for some kind of sycophantic, flattery-riddled love affair. He likes Karamatsu, likes that he can hang out with him but also likes kissing and holding him. But... he doesn't want to go overboard. ]

...That won't do.

[ RECORD SCRATCH. Aoba just refused so bluntly with a shake of his head. No. Nope, that's not what he wants. ]

—Oh.

Ah.

Then you can take.. me on a date then!
_{[ PERFECT SOLUTION. ]}

[ Aoba blinks his eyes open. Take him out on a date... it's not like it's a novel idea exactly, but it's not a terrible one. But it still sounds so one-sided, so Aoba approaches this from a different angle. One leaves him in the driver's seat, which is not a place he's used to being in, but he's... not exactly opposed, not when Karamatsu is as clueless as he is when it comes to dating. Maybe even more.

Aoba leans his head to the side. Maybe this could work. ]

Then... maybe we can make dinner together.

[ It's... like hanging out. Except they can both come up with something to make together, and then enjoy it together. Add some mood lighting, something to drink... and it actually sounds...

Romantic. ]

If that is what your heart desires with me, I'll willingly comply.
What will we do next after that?
_{[ At least he's not difficult. ]}

[ Yes, make dinner. And then they could eat, chatting over candlelight or something. You know, like a real date.

Except then there's that thing. After. After that.

...

What will they do? After.
Maybe they should...
...Go on a walk?
...Catch a film?
...Watch something on TV?

...

These ideas... they're so plain. It lacks substance or flavor, like biting into white bread. All of these things sound so familiar. He could easily do any of these as his friend. But now they sound different, daring. ]

Um.

[ Something is wrong, something about this is making him feel like his chest and throat is tightening up, his mouth is turning as dry as sawdust. His heart is racing, but it's more in this panicked way, like when he woke up in the middle of the night to an empty apartment and some sound woke him up. ]

I'm sorry, now that I've gone and said it out loud... my ideas sound really plain and stupid.

_{[ Karamatsu is still a bit confused as to why they have to go on a date before he can call him his boyfriend, but.
He's a bit too passive to question it, really.

Karamatsu scratches the side of his cheek. ]}

Normal things we do... but with.. more love!
_{[ still staying positive.. ]}

[ It's because Aoba hasn't figured out what he wants, who he is and a lot of other blurry things surrounding how he feels. Aoba blinks at him. ]

More love?

[ Leaning his head to the side, he taps his chin with a finger and asks plainly, because he's learning that he kind of has to when it comes to Karamatsu. ]

What does that mean to you, exactly? [ He's curious (and a little cautious, maybe). ]

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