bottombitch | IC Contact @ Riverview

[ Something definitely clicks. That's the problem. It's the magnetism that makes him fall to silence when he looks into his face, when the anchoring of his hands on his shoulders seems weirdly insufficient.

He doesn't understand why this is happening. Well, he sort of does, but he still needs to understand that this is exactly what he suspects. He wants to ask 'why' but Karamatsu leaves him little room to ask. ]

...Kara-kun.

Do you... [ Trying to date me -- that seems... obvious. But then again, he feels like he's so entrenched in Karamatsu's emotional investment that he doesn't know how to go about digging himself back out again. So all he can do is grip the sides of his face and ask him point-blank. ]

Are you... asking me out?

Oh, I see.. so you have caught my message I have been trying to send you.
_{[ says Karamatsu with an ensemble of gifts surrounding them in the little hotel room. Karamatsu may be someone who gets flustered over things, but when his emotions and feelings are made up, he really has nothing holding him back in asking somebody out. He's done it plenty of times in the past, and after being turned down so much, he feels like getting turned down again wouldn't hurt him.

Funny thing is.. it does. It's devastating to him. His biggest fear is to end up alone.

He settles closer, narrowing the distance between them. ]}

'Asking you out' it too casual. I want to take you on a journey of romance with me!

[ He feels like he's stating the obvious here, but he needs to speak plainly, despite how embarrassing the topic is. Aoba is hung up in that self-imposed sort of quarantine, closing himself off from being anything but an eligible bachelor. At least until he's sure he isn't just replacing Noiz with someone else and therefore doing more harm than good.

Further complicating matters, Aoba has a crush on him. Has for a while now and only recently come to grips with. So to some degree, the attention is nice, but as for the rest it's downright smothering. Aoba sighs, but he doesn't lower his hands. He doesn't want to give Karamatsu any reason to misunderstand what he's going to say. ]

It's too much, Kara-kun. The gifts and everything. Even if we were together like that... this is beyond excessive, you know?

[ And because he knows better than a lot of other people that even this gentle rejection could hurt and feel painfully familiar to him, he tries to soften the blow. ]

Karamatsu has always been so full of feeling, it's a little intimidating if you let it out so much at once all the time.

Edited 2018-03-28 10:41 (UTC)

_{[ He seems puzzled at Aoba's words, but he supposes he understands to an extent. He doesn't quite understand the magnitude of his generosity, but for some reason it's bothersome to Aoba.
He sets the basket down by the door (intending to "accidentally" forget it) and advances to Aoba, settling his hands on Aoba's sides. His palms smooth over his rib cage. ]}

Ah, oh my God, I don't know what I should do, then. Should I give you physical affection instead? My adoration for you.. it is overflowing! I must exert it somehow. If you prefer this way, though, I could satisfy that.
_{[ He's curiously learning in to see how Aoba will react. In a lower tone, he speaks with a bit of drama: ]}

Answer me?
_{[ Are you gonna date him or not? ]}

[ Aoba's hands hang in the air when Karamatsu draws back to leave the gift close to the door, blinking at him. But just as he lowers his hands to his side, he's back again and then... drawing in, leaning in, and what he says paints Aoba's face with splashes of pink.

Wait. Physical affection?! His thoughts instantly go to that night several weeks ago, when he so hungrily moved against him. Aoba swallows, but his throat is suddenly dry. ]

Kara-kun, didn't you hear a-anything I said?

[ This is his weakness. He can feel his face getting hot when he gets close and challenges him with this sort of forward behavior. It's embarrassing, sure, but there's also the part where Aoba actually likes him that makes it kind of... attractive. Aoba turns his face to the side, his hands defensively splayed before him. ]

M-maybe... instead of so much of anything, we could... um... compromise...

Compromise?
_{[ This is beginning to sound like rejection and it makes Karamatsu's stomach twist and tie up until he cannot stand it. His expression falls slightly and when he parts his lips, Aoba may notice they quiver slightly. ]}

No, I—
_{[ Huh. ]}

I really do not want that.
_{[ A pause. He can swear he can hear his own heart beating. ]}

I want to have you to myself instead. Please don't turn me down.
_{[ He didn't mean for that last part to actually come out of his mouth, but it's a little late to take it back now. ]}

[ Oh no, this is worse than he thought. He can't help but feel guilt settling in his stomach like a stone. He should have known, he should have thought this through. He could have avoided hurting his best friend, his soulmate, the man he loves... just a little... if only he had hit this head on instead of being selfish that one night.

If he hadn't burdened Karamatsu with his loneliness... maybe he wouldn't be like this now. Aoba feels guilt grip around him, cold and comfortless. ]

Kara-kun...

[ 'Don't turn me down'?! Does he intend on him to date him exclusively so soon?! But this is quite the bed he's made and now he feels like he's being presented to it... like this is something he needs to sleep in. He's not sure if this is fair to either of them.

So, as Karamatsu touches his sides, he runs his hands up his arms and lets them settle around his shoulders. ]

...Can I tell you something? It's... painful and personal, so I feel awful asking this of you but... will you hear me out?

_{[ Ah, no, no, no. This is gonna be it. Karamatsu knows it. He's done it again and started doting on someone he cares about too much— he's scared them away. There really isn't anything he can do to fix something like this no matter how hard he tries. This happened back home, this happened on the Eluvio. Anytime he tries, he always gets knocked down.

His hands drop to his own sides and he actually grimaces. ]}

It's O.K if you don't like me...
_{[ It isn't. He feels like his feeling for Aoba is stronger and different than anyone else. Even with Totoko, it's a little different. ]}

.. I just wasn't e-expecting—
_{[ He thought you liked him. ]}

[ Ah, he gets it. The reason why Karamatsu is looking at him this way. The reason why his confidence is shaken. Aoba finds himself coiling up and then snapping too soon, blurting out despite his determination that he would... let him down gently or something. But now he's not even sure if he can do even that. He just wants him to... ]

Stop that!

I'm not... I'm not rejecting you! I like you... so stop thinking that!!

_{[ Aoba's response gets Karamatsu to do just that-- stop that-- and completely take a step back from Aoba. It takes a lot to get Karamatsu's attention like this and sometimes having to raise your voice is the best way.

He adverts his eyes. ]}

—I'm sorry. I should let you speak. I'm—
_{[ He cuts himself off as he dips his head in a slight bow. He's just so accustomed to this not going the way he wants it to. ]}

Please go ahead.

[ He just blurted it out, without even thinking it through. Now it's just weird, isn't it? Karamatsu's listening, even bowing his head in what feels like an apology. Aoba fidgets, suddenly on the spot and not sure what he wants to say anymore.

He doesn't want Karamatsu to hate him, or feel rejected by him. He doesn't want to feel smothered either. He just needs...

...He doesn't know what he needs. ]

Sorry, I shouldn't have raised my voice. I think... I'm feeling a little... um.

Pressure, I guess.

I don't understand.. you just said that you like me.. then.. there should be a reason why you're reluctant..
_{[ Karamatsu thinks long and hard and it shows on his face. ]}

You shouldn't feel any pressure. I do not want you to make a mistake, ah.. do you feel bad that maybe you haven't gotten me a present yet? That the size of my affection for you is.. more so of what you may feel for me?
_{[ He's sort of understanding. ]}

Is it.. too early for me to like you this much?
_{[ BINGO. ]}

I mean.. I figured it out when we were under the fairy lights..
_{[ He huffs out a bit of laughter. ]}

I'm sorry I have too much love to give you.

N-no, I think... maybe it's more normal that we don't give too much to each other at this juncture. Wasn't it better when it was during special occasions?

[ There's a ring of truth in much of his conclusions but none quite hit the mark completely. Aoba's a mess of conflicting feelings and guilt and reluctant to trust himself. Hell, he feels like he's a stranger to himself... having to relearn who he is now that he's no longer 'Aoba and Noiz'.

It's hard. Harder than the first time it had happened, because to a degree, it had been this physical thing... with an emotional connection for certain, but none so strong as the one they'd formed in Germany... or in quarantine. Aoba finds himself bouncing back and forth from 'is it okay' and 'it's okay because he left without a word' and neither brings him much comfort. ]

Eh? The fairy lights...? [ Wasn't that quite some time ago? But then he seems to recall, vaguely, that Karamatsu had said some things... and he had pretty much blocked it from his memory.

Aoba drops his gaze, feeling a little guilty. ]

...Me too, actually.

I see... so my affection is a bit too much..
_{[ NO SHIT SHERLOCK. ]}

Mmmm, I'll see what I can do about that, I suppose.
_{[ He wants to express to you how much you mean to him so badly. He looks to the side, a bit embarrassed this is actually a problem. His eyes bounce back to Aoba. ]}

If you don't want to date me now, you should know that I will wait forever, though.

Kara-kun. This is why I said 'compromise'.

[ Just as Aoba's thinking that maybe this is the best he can expect out of this conversation, Karamatsu says something completely over the top. It's... honestly to be expected. Just how low is his self-esteem that he's willing to wait forever like this?! ]

I can't help but feel the way I feel, no more or less than you can. And it's not like I'm spoken for, but neither am I going to just recklessly play with someone else's feelings.

[ Like throwing himself into another committed relationship. It's too soon. ]

So... [ Aoba crosses his arms and tries to look serious, but the flush spreading over his cheeks ruins the effect. ]

Why don't we go on a date?

_{[ Look, to him, compromise meant 'still be friends' but maybe that's just because he was expecting the worse. Aoba is talking, but he s having a hard time understanding Aoba's feelings which is his own fault, but all he can really hear is 'we go on a date.' ]}

.. A date?

WE CAN GO ON A DATE!?
_{[ with more enthusiasm... ]}

M-mn. [ Aoba nods. He thinks this is a fair compromise, allowing them to explore their feelings properly without being locked into something committed. ]

I know it's selfish, but even if I'm not ready to be anyone's boyfriend right now doesn't mean we can't... you know.

[ That enthusiasm makes him feel a little better -- and a lot more grateful that they had this talk in private. At least he seemed to have got somehow through to Karamatsu without hurting his feelings, so if that's really the case, he'll count that as a win. ]

Is that okay? [ Even if they're not exclusive like he insisted on? ]

_{[ It's not nearly the response he wanted, but it's not nearly the rejection he was expecting, either. He's too desperate for anything to have any consideration of boundaries, either. If Aoba wants to treat him like a boyfriend without actually being one, he doesn't care-- as long as he isn't alone. If his feelings are toyed with, that's fine, he doesn't mind and neither does he have a spine to have a say so.
He keeps a smile, tears pricking the corners of his eyes. Good god, one might would have thought Aoba asked him to marry him. ]}

Yes, O.K! As long as we spend time together-- that is fine!
_{[ hoo boy, are you sure, Aoba? ]}

[ Karamatsu looks excited about this. A little too excited. It would have been fine if he was happy, but he looks nearly on the verge of tears, so Aoba eyes him carefully. Is this okay? Isn't this unfair? But that's normal for two single guys who like he each other... isn't it? ]

...Ah.

[ Aoba's... not sure. Just how does he go about this? He's been off the market for years and didn't have a lot of experience in the dating scene anyway, so he's really not sure what he's supposed to do. All he knows is what was happening in recent weeks was certainly not normal. ]

That sounds a lot like just us hanging out though. Don't we do that already...?

[ Aoba folks his arms, closing his eyes to think. ]

_{[ Karamatsu tips his head sideways when Aoba makes that comment. He's right, but Karamatsu feels like a date is really different. They're hanging out with more purpose, and to Karamatsu, that is precious.

Anyway, he approaches Aoba when his eyes are closed and he wraps his arms around his neck, burrowing into his neck. Aoba can probably feel his smile against his skin. ]}

It is hanging out.. with more love ♡.
I'll take whatever you're willing to offer, mon chaton. You are.. my ray of happiness! And on a date, I am given more permission to show you how much I care for you, hm?

[ Aoba's mouth opens and closes a few times before he makes an attempt at the unfamiliar string of words. What is it? What does it mean? Aoba rolls it over his tongue but it doesn't feel right, doesn't sound right either. ]

Moan shatton?

[ It's close in terms of vowel sounds but also not right. He tried, though. ]

...Maybe then, we should try hanging out like we usually do. Only maybe... explain to me more about the kinds of things you're talking about.

[ Just what does Karamatsu mean when he says he should show more how much he cares for him. This... is exceedingly, excessively vague. After all, it wasn't that long ago that he surprised him with the, um, enthusiasm with which he showed how much he wanted to be close to him before exhaustion sank in. ]

A-aah.. you want to be.. spoiled of my ideas, just like that?
_{[ He stammers slightly, embarrassed by his own thoughts. Looks like Karamatsu can even embarrass himself. He pulls away but slides his hands down Aoba's arms until he is holding him by his finger tips. ]}

W-Well, we can walk down the street.. holding hands! I can buy your meals-- remind you of how handsome you are with my words! I can sing you songs-- whatever songs you want to hear-- and watch the sunset with you! I can hold you close.. and kiss you where ever you want!

Then.. I can take you on another date the next day.. and the next day.. and the next day... and the next day...
_{[ oh. ]}

Edited 2018-04-01 03:07 (UTC)

[ Aoba listens to him with his eyes closed in deep thought and consideration, his arms folded over his chest. A date consisting of holding hands is... fine, he supposes. His expression remains neutral through that and only falters when he suggests gushing with compliments. That gets him to peek out through one eye, his expression still passive but not really looking thrilled either.

He's not looking for some kind of sycophantic, flattery-riddled love affair. He likes Karamatsu, likes that he can hang out with him but also likes kissing and holding him. But... he doesn't want to go overboard. ]

...That won't do.

[ RECORD SCRATCH. Aoba just refused so bluntly with a shake of his head. No. Nope, that's not what he wants. ]

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